I MISS THE WIGGLES!

If you are not a parent, you can simply skip this entry because you will thankfully have no idea what I'm talking about. But if you are familiar with the toddler set and their tunes, keep reading...

Okay so my son, Gabriel, is digging on the Doodlebops these days. No accounting for taste. Dee Dee (the spastic gal in the piano skirt and scary pink Sandra Dee wig), Rooney (the unitard wearing he's-got-to-be-gay guy) and Moe (the Ronald McDonaldesque drummer) make up this rock group for the toddler set. Wide-eyed and overly cheery, they perform such memorable hits as "Cauliflower" and "Count to Ten." The Canadian trio have a show on the Playhouse Disney channel and are currently touring the country. It's the latter that brings me to my latest unsolicited advice.

Dear Doodlebops,

GET NEW MANAGEMENT. I LIKE YOU THREE. I CAN TELL YOU ARE HARD-WORKERS AND ARE REALLY TRYING. SO I'M BEGGING YOU, GET NEW MANAGEMENT!

I recently caught your gig in Los Angeles. Yes, I said, Los Angeles. Not Ingelwood as you continuously referenced in your obligatory greetings to the audience. Despite the fact that you were performing at the Forum (more on that choice of venue later) in Ingelwood, California, the crowd was not from them there parts. As a native Angeleno, I've had my share of Forum concert experiences (mind you, the last one being in 1990). From Steven Tyler to Bryan Adams to Don Henley, never once have I been welcomed to Ingelwood. If only you Canucks had someone to help you out. A publicist? A manager? A director? That's the problem. I'm not sure anyone besides Bus Driver Bob (Was he even the real Bob?) came with you on this tour. You certainly didn't budget for a set decorator. I felt for you guys as you jumped on and off the cardboard bus huffing and puffing. And about that...what was with all the breaks? Didn't anyone remind you that three-year-olds have the attention span of, well, three-year-olds? Intermission is not an easily explained concept. I know you were sweaty and tired but those four Australian guys wiggle all over their stage for an hour and a half with no break. So I went there. I couldn't help myself. I never thought I'd say this but you've got to take some cues from The Wiggles. Even with a man down (we miss you, Greg), those guys (in their forties, by the way) can put on a pro show. When they ride out on stage each year at the Universal Ampitheatre in the big red car, it's exciting. They bring it. I was up on my feet dancing in the aisles. I admit it. Those guys can work it. I know they have a bigger budget and a better venue (note to booking agent - the Forum is so over, it's the day before yesterday), but there's more to their success. Watching you three strut your stuff on that pathetic stage, I realized why the Doodlebops have nothing on the Wiggles. Those Aussie guys get the joke. They are in on it. With every crazy "quack, quack, quack, quack, cock-a-doodle-do" dance move they do, it's as if they are simultaneously winking at us parents. They are laughing at us for buying into this crap, laughing all the way to the bank. They're saying, can you believe how lucky we are? Don't you wish you thought up a song called "Hot Potato" and the chutzpah to make it a hit? But, Doodlebops, you don't seem to be in on the same joke. You come across as serious thespians imagining you are doing serious work. But we can't take you serious in those costumes? Singing the Woobly Whoopsie? And we really can't take you seriously when you announce that you've had so much fun hanging out "with your friends in Ingelwood." Doodlebops, I've watched the Wiggles. I've seen them in concert. You, are no Wiggles. There's still time. GET NEW MANAGEMENT!

JOHN MAYER AS A PLAYER? SAY IT AIN'T SO

February 21, 2007

Dear John,

When you first came on the scene you told us that you wanted to run through the halls of your high school and scream at the top of your lungs. To us that meant that you were like all of us. High school was kind of awkward and lame and you were misunderstood there. The more we got to know you, we fell in love with you as the soulful, artsy guy who probably went unnoticed to the popular girls with untrained eyes. You were that guy who played guitar but didn't talk much. At least that's what we thought. But then came Jennifer Love Hewitt. Now I have nothing against her but for you, she just didn't seem right. Her body is definitely a "Wonderland" but she's so not the art girl. She's the rally girl, JM. And now, Jessica? I see what's going on. It's been years since high school and the popular girls, the Jessicas, can finally see that you are way hotter than any has been jock. You are enjoying the admiration and affection you should have had all those years back. Your buddies must be high-fiving like crazy over this match up. But John...we want you with a thinking man's girl. At least a girl who knows that Buffalo wings don't come from a Buffalo. Natalie Portman comes to mind. Scarlett Johansson would do. I hear Drew Barrymore's available. I know I don't really have the right to tell you who to date but since this is my blog, I'm doing it anyway. So here's one more piece of unsolicted advice, get out before Joe Simpson has you wearing a red cashmere sweater, singing Christmas Carols with Jessica for an ABC Holiday special. I know you think, "Not gonna happen." But the guy gets what he wants. So go ahead and you keep waiting for the world to change. But me, I'm waiting on you.

Amanda

P.S. Continuum is amazing.

P.P.S. I would have dug you in high school!

No Longer IDOLizing Chris Daughtry

February 21, 2007

Dear Chris,

I cheered you on. I voted for you countless times. I sat in shock the night you prematurely exited Idol. And, yes, I even bought your album and liked it. But after reading Michael Endelman's article on you in the February 23rd issue of Entertainment Weekly, I have decided that you, Chris, need some serious unsolicited advice.

What's up, dog? You are living out millions of guys' fantasies. You were a suburban dad who is now a true rock star with critical and mass appeal. The girls are digging you. The guys think your cool. Your making cash doing what you love and the critics said your album was solid. So what's with the whining? You tell EW that you don't like being introduced as Chris from American Idol. Would you rather be Chris from the McLeansville Honda dealership? Let's not forget that without Idol, you were stuck in North Carolina despite your undisputed talent and rocker look. You say, "There's this misconception that you get famous and everything is perfect. "If anything, it's harder." Come on, man! I mean I get that you have been thrown into a whirlwind situation which comes with stress, pressure and I'm sure strain on marriage and family but your fans don't want to hear that your life is harder now that they've annointed you to rock star status. Remember all those nights where you stared into the camera motioning for us to "call in your number." You held up your fingers with hope burning in your eyes. We listened. We did it. We, your fans, wanted to make your dreams come true. Some of us even wanted to live vicariously through you so, please, stop the complaining. Talk to your wife when you want to vent. Tell her that "it's frustrating" dealing with being an American Idol. Confide in her that you are happy you didn't win because then you would be "considered pop." But publicly, suck it up, Chris. Smile. If you can't enjoy the ride, let us.

Sincerely,

Amanda

P.S. You don't need multiple silver rings. One is enough!