Unsolicited Advice

Friday, January 15, 2010

HEIDI HUH?

Obviously, Heidi Montag doesn't take advice from anyone. If she did, we would a) happily not know who she is, b)never have to see her face peering out at us from the glossy tabloids and c)not have to witness her sick body abuse self-proclaimed on the cover of this week's People magazine with the catchy title, "Addicted to Plastic Surgery."

Have you seen it? Looking more like Donatella Versacci than a 23-years-young startlet, Heidi and her now "DDD" girls proclaim that she recently underwent ten plastic surgeries (ranging from an eyebrow lift to a butt augmentation) in one day. She argues that everyone in Hollywood does it and that she's simply coming clean. She dreams of becoming a pop star and sites Britney Spears' sexuality as the reason for Brit's success and popularity. Here's the thing, despite Britney's early-on good looks (don't tell anyone I said this), the Louisiana Lolita is talented. She may not have strong vocals, but Miss Thing has it and when she wants to, she shows it off with her dance moves that she's been working on and practicing since babyhood. So sad that it's come to defending Britney Spears to make a point but Heidi has, in fact, sunk the world of celebrities (even fake ones) that far.

For years now, I've pretending to live in a Heidi-less world. Acknowledging her and that ego-fueled husband of hers felt like truly the end of the world--my very own Apocalypse. But this sad, pathetic, creepy magazine cover is simply too much to take passively and quietly so...here's my advice that Heidi clearly doesn't want to hear...

Dear Heidi,

You are an embarrassment but were, until now, an avoidable one. As a mother, I can't disregard you anymore. Because there you (and your porn star-sized beachballs and plumped up lips) are staring out from the grocery store magazine shelf proclaiming how beautiful you feel thanks to all the elected surgery. Kids can read and now they have questions. So I am forced to try and explain your pathos to my children who are being raised to want to do something fulfilling with their lives so they won't need a barrage of paparrazzi following them to feel important.

I actually do have one compliment for you, that is, if you can lift the heavy quilt of insecurity you clearly suffocate under long enough to take it in. You were a cute girl when you first appeared on The Hills. Your personality and mean streak made you ugly but in silent moments, you were a beautiful L.A. youngling who I'm certain must have seemed enviable to other tweens and teens across the country. You struck gold. You became famous for nothing. But that wasn't enough. You needed and felt you deserved more. So you set off on a vapid journey seeking celebrity. The problem is when you are a celebrity for no reason, you have all the downfall without actually having the benefit of feeding your artistic passion to justify the madness. You live in a world of sleaziness, back-stabbing, competition and opportunism simply for the sake of hanging with others who live there hopefully as a means to an end.

My advice is, therefore, quite simple. Stop it. Stop the surgeries. Stop playing the role of canoodling, cavorting pseudo-celeb. Stop the madness. There's still time. You can find meaning in life but you have to say goodbye to Hollywood. It's destroying you bit by bit--literally. You claim to be using your fame to simply show what goes on in the world of Hollywood beauty. But you are not using your fame. You are hoping to gain fame. That's a very big difference. America tires easily of no-talent reality stars. You have had an unusually long stay but it's time to check-out and get your life back or find out what life you are going to lead. Unless you are interested in the world of XXX-rated film, the movie business is not for you. You will never be a successful pop star (by the way, you might want to take note that homely but immensely talented Susan Boyle had the largest ever female debut with her album). The fame game is over. You are now descending into an E! True Hollywood Story that isn't going to end well.

Seek out help. There are professionals. Go back to your family. They hopefully haven't given up hope. Get rid of Spencer. He is a train wreck that nobody wants to watch anymore.

Here's what not to do...do not procreate. First, America can't handle a Speidi spawn. Secondly, if you think you needed ten surgeries now, I'd hate to see what you'd think about your stretched-out, varicose veined out, mushy post-pregnancy bod.

Heidi, go home!

Friday, January 9, 2009

DEJA O

First off, let me make my feelings for Oprah perfectly clear. I love her. She inspires me. She impresses me. She comforts me. She--and all her peeps--enrich my life. So it is with a shaky hand that I type this blog, fearful of what happens to one when they dare to question the one-woman wonder. But someone has got to do it.

What is going on with our girl? She's gained pounds and lost marbles. I mean, I appreciate the honesty (okay maybe a little too much discussion of her thyroid but...) and the relatability. I truly empathize with her food issues. I've been there, done that and been back there. But her one hour talk-a-thon on the first show of the new year made it seem like her current weight gain is a completely new experience for her. Listening to Oprah talk about eating being an emotional drug-of-choice and hunger actually being a craving for love, I felt puzzled. Why was Lady O speaking as if this was an "aha" moment that we haven't collectively had before?

Then the week continued on The Oprah Show with a parade of regulars including Bob Greene (exercise and nutrition guru) and Dr. Oz (health guru) who truly seem like old friends by now. But, apparently, we needed to be reintroduced (and I thought we had something real--especially me and Oz but I digress...). At one point during Dr. Oz's "let's get reacquainted" hour, Oprah even asked the audience at home to get a pencil because there was going to be such invaluable information. I waited and waited. Oprah then enthusiastically proclaimed that this is the year to get healthy. Huh? As any O viewer can attest, we've been downing our flax cereal and blueberries religiously for over a year now. We've had our cholesterol tested, added strength training to our workout regime and taken the "what's your real age" quiz. Even the presence of former guests who have successfully changed their lives months and years ago based on all of this information didn't seem to matter. Oprah acted as if this was the year to "live your best life" and as if this was the first we'd heard about it.

And so we've come to the unsolicited advice that I simply must unleash...

My dearest Oprah-
You fell off the wagon. It happens to all of us. But you are setting yourself up for another fall by making such a huge deal out of this thing. I get it. You are the most media saavy person in the world. You wanted control of the story before the paparazzi and tabloid trash took hold of it. But you have to give us devoted viewers a little credit. Yes, it's true, you speak and we follow. We buy books in mass and lay out cash we don't have for cashmere cardi-wraps. Despite our sometimes sheep-like behavior, we are a smart group. We know that we--and you--have been down this "get healthy" road before. So just admit it. Life got hectic and stressful and you slipped into old patterns. We love you. We forgive you so forgive yourself and stop all of this deja vu diatribe. Thanks to you (and your soul series with Eckhart Toile), we are living in the present. But that doesn't mean we've forgotten the past.

P.S. I'm not digging the new line-up on XM's Oprah and Friends but one thing at a time...

Friday, August 22, 2008

The Gold Standard?!?!

You did it. You practiced. You worked hard. You were determined. You were focused. And now, like it or not, you are a celebrity. So M.P., here is some preemptive advice for which you did not ask for but I can't help but give.

Dearest Michael,

In our celeb-crazy world where girls are famous for showing off their yahoos while exiting pimped out rides and tweens are idolized for lip synching while wearing size zero designer duds, you are a breath of fresh air (especially for us moms trying to raise decent human beings). You are famous for doing something truly great--something that took blood, sweat, tears and time to achieve. You had to work. You had to want. And only then could you win. And you are gracious--a real team player evidenced by your extreme emotion throughout both relays.

My five-year old son is actually inspired. He wants to play "Michael Phelps" in the pool. You are now officially a water sport for kids. Last night, instead of reading books before bed, he asked for "that Michael Phelps" story referring to your interview with Bob Costas in which you talked about being bullied and overcoming obstacles as a middle schooler. Finally, I have someone famous to point to as a role model--a person achieving success due to good old fashioned hard work. You made your country proud. You made all us moms proud (no one more so than your own mom who was almost as fun to watch as you during the games).

So here it comes, my advice. Michael, you are a hero to kids everywhere. There's a new Mike to wanna be like. That's why I'm begging you, don't screw it up. I know you are only human. I get that you were once a gawky kid and now you are about to become a super sought after, really rich twentysomething. There will be girls, groupies and Grey Goose. But Michael, don't become one of them. Don't go clubbing with one of those Gossip Girls or some second rate pop starlet and stumble outside just in time for TMZ to catch you making an idiot out of yourself. You're better than that. We don't want to see your mugshot. We don't want to hear about you serving seven minutes in county jail. And we never want you to be somebody's illegitimate baby daddy (careful on that one--no doubt your boys can swim!).

Be famous for accomplishing something and use your celebrity wisely. We barely remember that DUI and after eight gold medals, we can totally forget it. But we need you. We need you to be Sports Illustrated famous, not the cover of US magazine famous.

Have fun. Enjoy your success. But try and remember that there are young children everywhere admiring and emulating you and there are their parents hoping against all Hollywood can offer that you'll be a champion--not just another celebrity. Come on, M.P., make us proud!

P.S. Go Blue!

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Team Charlie?

Disclaimer: I think it is really weird to want to have cameras follow you and your family around and broadcast your daily activities. I also think it's really boring so I usually don't watch. But the occassional channel flippinig leads even me to stop and look at train wreck TV.

Apparently, Charlie Sheen (not exactly a moral barometer) thought it would be a disaster too when he heard the news that his ex-wife and ex Bond babe, Denise Richards, wanted to do a reality show featuring their two daughters. Perhaps, he considered that the two girls might have had a tough go lately what with their parents openly destroying each other in the press. So the lesser half of Two and a Half Men went to court to stop Denise from doing the show. But the judge ruled against him. (Remember, celebrity before justice out here in L.A.).

Before the show aired, Denise went on everything she could to promote her new series and repeat over and over and over again that her kids were barely in it. The show, she commented, was about her life as a single mom and really didn't focus on the kids. (Not sure how a show about a mom doesn't focus on kids but...)

And so premiered E!'s Denise Richards: It's Complicated. Really? Doesn't seem that complicated to me. Your young, impressionable children have just experienced a terrible tragedy. They are desperately in need of consistency, security and attention. If you don't believe me, watch any episode of Oprah with divorce guru, Rabbi M. Gary Neuman. But I digress...

In the fifteen minutes I happen to catch while remote surfing, I was astonished at what I saw. Denise talked incessantly about dating and guys and sex. Now I don't care what she gabs about with her friends but I'm pretty sure her daughters will when, at some point, they are either told about or catch an episode where Mommy says she likes guys with big--(that are well endowed) and ones who are passionate in bed. Boundaries anyone?

It was bad enough when celebrities stuck to making a mockery of marriage. But now, thanks to Denise (and the other C-lister reality 'rents), they are taking on parenting. By the way, I'm sure single mothers everywhere can relate to Denise's "complicated life" with nannies, trainers, self-tanner specialists, chiropractors, etc...)

So here it comes...my advice to Denise that she did not ask for.

Denise,

When you start making Charlie Sheen look like the responsible parent, you are dangerously close to Britney/K-Fed territory. Stop blabbing about wanting to bed bad boys and possibly posing for Hef. Remove the cameras. Put your own ambition aside. And be a PARENT! Less worrying about how you are being perceived in the media and more concern for how you are being perceived by your daughters.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

OBSTRUCTED VIEW

I swore off The View awhile back but every so often I'll be on the elliptical, flipping the channels, and there it is--a train wreck that I can't turn away from. As was the case this morning, October 1. Whoopi, Joy, Sherri and Elisabeth trekked out to the table to discuss the hot topics. First up, the previous night's 60 Minutes interview with Justice Clarence Thomas. The ladies started yakking, opining and lecturing--and completely misinforming the American public about the segment and Justice Thomas' statements.

I don't agree with many decisions Justice Thomas has made on the court so this is certainly not an "in defense of" Clarence Thomas rant. Instead, this is about my growing frustration with the women on The View who do not understand that listening is a verb. It is active. It requires energy and thought. Judging from their comments, it felt, as if, they decided what they were going to say about Thomas sometime Sunday morning and may or may not have watched the actual interview. The danger in this is that so many people actually get their "news" from hot topics (It seems Sherri Shephard does as each day she finds a way to seem more clueless than the last).

So...let's clear up a few things. Whoopi started off talking about how Clarence Thomas is against affirmative action. Joy jumped in to say how hypocritcal that is considering that he used the system to get where he is today. Elisabeth rambled on about her inability to form an opionion on this issue. And Sherri made it clear she knew nothing about the subject. Again, I am not supporting the Justice's opinion here, but no one on the panel bothered to point out that Thomas addressed the issue in his interview. He talked about graduating from Yale Law School and not being able to get a job because employers felt his was "let in" to Yale instead of earning a spot there. To this day, he has a 10 cent sticker on his degree because it felt worthless to him after graduation. He also pointed out that he does believe in programs to help "the disadvantaged" have access to opportunities but that he does not believe disadvantaed is the same thing as being black. And again I will state, I am not siding with the Justice but for the women on The View to have had an educated conversation, someone might have mentioned this.

When it came to the hot hot topic of abortion, Joy started opining about how the Justice believes the states should have the power to decide this issue and not the court. Joy turned to Elisabeth and asked something to the effect that if Thomas thinks abortion is a sin, what's the point in having the states weigh in? As a strong supporter of Roe vs. Wade, I listened carefully to Thomas on 60 Minutes. He never said abortion is a sin. He is extremely conservative in his interpretation of the Constitution and therefore believes that abortion is not a right given in the Constitution. Instead, he insists that the state's should have the power to decide this issue because the people of each state would then have the right to vote on the matter. Once again, I don't agree with this but I, at least, HEARD what the man had to say.

It's unfortunate that Elisabeth who is supposedly the "conservative voice" never has anything useful or informative to offer in these conversations. Joy is much more articulate and passionate and therefore dominates the table with often one-sided thoughts. Sherri, while a seemingly very hard-working nice person, is useless in any debates as it has become clear in the first few weeks that she is not the brightest blub on the marquee.

So what's my advice the women of The View didn't ask for...

Ladies, if the audience is going to take the time to listen to you talk and rant on a daily basis, is it really too much to ask for you to start truly listening to what others have to say?

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

I DON'T WANT MY MTV

DEAR MTV,

It's happened. I'm offically outgrowing you. I felt it coming on. I could only take my "Super Sweet Sixteen" in small doses and then it simply became too much. The whining and idiotic opining of overweight midwest rich girls planning their party entrances with the same intensity as General Petraues preparing for the surge somehow lost its zing. I found myself flipping the channel. The Real World started to feel like one big, season-long rerun and I actually missed Carson Daly on TRL. Whereas once I was the viewer, devouring all the force-fed impressionable mind candy you had to offer, I am now on a serious MTV diet. The last dish served came at the annual VMAs. And yes it has to do with Britney, ya'll, but it's not about her lackluster, lazy, hazy, how-could-you-let-that-happen performance. At this point (a parent in my thirties), I expect to be offended and put off by the overly-sexed up performances more about hair extensions and shock value than music. I am actually outraged by the two minutes following Brit's performance.

Enter Sarah Silverman. Sometimes I find her funny. Most times I don't. Last night, I found her mean. I am all up for celebrity joshing. But I am not up for cracks at that expense of Hollywood children unless they're begging for it (see Rumor Willis, Brody Jenner). After you, MTV, use Britney to hype your in-need-of-ratings awards show, you allow Silverman to go on not a minute after Spears' public display of affliction and comment that her children are the most adorable mistakes you will ever see." It was exactly in this moment that it was over. Our relationship. I had to change the channel.

Guess I'll have to catch that much-talked-about Chris Brown performance on You Tube!

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

I MISS THE WIGGLES!

If you are not a parent, you can simply skip this entry because you will thankfully have no idea what I'm talking about. But if you are familiar with the toddler set and their tunes, keep reading...

Okay so my son, Gabriel, is digging on the Doodlebops these days. No accounting for taste. Dee Dee (the spastic gal in the piano skirt and scary pink Sandra Dee wig), Rooney (the unitard wearing he's-got-to-be-gay guy) and Moe (the Ronald McDonaldesque drummer) make up this rock group for the toddler set. Wide-eyed and overly cheery, they perform such memorable hits as "Cauliflower" and "Count to Ten." The Canadian trio have a show on the Playhouse Disney channel and are currently touring the country. It's the latter that brings me to my latest unsolicited advice.

Dear Doodlebops,

GET NEW MANAGEMENT. I LIKE YOU THREE. I CAN TELL YOU ARE HARD-WORKERS AND ARE REALLY TRYING. SO I'M BEGGING YOU, GET NEW MANAGEMENT!

I recently caught your gig in Los Angeles. Yes, I said, Los Angeles. Not Ingelwood as you continuously referenced in your obligatory greetings to the audience. Despite the fact that you were performing at the Forum (more on that choice of venue later) in Ingelwood, California, the crowd was not from them there parts. As a native Angeleno, I've had my share of Forum concert experiences (mind you, the last one being in 1990). From Steven Tyler to Bryan Adams to Don Henley, never once have I been welcomed to Ingelwood. If only you Canucks had someone to help you out. A publicist? A manager? A director? That's the problem. I'm not sure anyone besides Bus Driver Bob (Was he even the real Bob?) came with you on this tour. You certainly didn't budget for a set decorator. I felt for you guys as you jumped on and off the cardboard bus huffing and puffing. And about that...what was with all the breaks? Didn't anyone remind you that three-year-olds have the attention span of, well, three-year-olds? Intermission is not an easily explained concept. I know you were sweaty and tired but those four Australian guys wiggle all over their stage for an hour and a half with no break. So I went there. I couldn't help myself. I never thought I'd say this but you've got to take some cues from The Wiggles. Even with a man down (we miss you, Greg), those guys (in their forties, by the way) can put on a pro show. When they ride out on stage each year at the Universal Ampitheatre in the big red car, it's exciting. They bring it. I was up on my feet dancing in the aisles. I admit it. Those guys can work it. I know they have a bigger budget and a better venue (note to booking agent - the Forum is so over, it's the day before yesterday), but there's more to their success. Watching you three strut your stuff on that pathetic stage, I realized why the Doodlebops have nothing on the Wiggles. Those Aussie guys get the joke. They are in on it. With every crazy "quack, quack, quack, quack, cock-a-doodle-do" dance move they do, it's as if they are simultaneously winking at us parents. They are laughing at us for buying into this crap, laughing all the way to the bank. They're saying, can you believe how lucky we are? Don't you wish you thought up a song called "Hot Potato" and the chutzpah to make it a hit? But, Doodlebops, you don't seem to be in on the same joke. You come across as serious thespians imagining you are doing serious work. But we can't take you serious in those costumes? Singing the Woobly Whoopsie? And we really can't take you seriously when you announce that you've had so much fun hanging out "with your friends in Ingelwood." Doodlebops, I've watched the Wiggles. I've seen them in concert. You, are no Wiggles. There's still time. GET NEW MANAGEMENT!