OBSTRUCTED VIEW

I swore off The View awhile back but every so often I'll be on the elliptical, flipping the channels, and there it is--a train wreck that I can't turn away from. As was the case this morning, October 1. Whoopi, Joy, Sherri and Elisabeth trekked out to the table to discuss the hot topics. First up, the previous night's 60 Minutes interview with Justice Clarence Thomas. The ladies started yakking, opining and lecturing--and completely misinforming the American public about the segment and Justice Thomas' statements.

I don't agree with many decisions Justice Thomas has made on the court so this is certainly not an "in defense of" Clarence Thomas rant. Instead, this is about my growing frustration with the women on The View who do not understand that listening is a verb. It is active. It requires energy and thought. Judging from their comments, it felt, as if, they decided what they were going to say about Thomas sometime Sunday morning and may or may not have watched the actual interview. The danger in this is that so many people actually get their "news" from hot topics (It seems Sherri Shephard does as each day she finds a way to seem more clueless than the last).

So...let's clear up a few things. Whoopi started off talking about how Clarence Thomas is against affirmative action. Joy jumped in to say how hypocritcal that is considering that he used the system to get where he is today. Elisabeth rambled on about her inability to form an opionion on this issue. And Sherri made it clear she knew nothing about the subject. Again, I am not supporting the Justice's opinion here, but no one on the panel bothered to point out that Thomas addressed the issue in his interview. He talked about graduating from Yale Law School and not being able to get a job because employers felt his was "let in" to Yale instead of earning a spot there. To this day, he has a 10 cent sticker on his degree because it felt worthless to him after graduation. He also pointed out that he does believe in programs to help "the disadvantaged" have access to opportunities but that he does not believe disadvantaed is the same thing as being black. And again I will state, I am not siding with the Justice but for the women on The View to have had an educated conversation, someone might have mentioned this.

When it came to the hot hot topic of abortion, Joy started opining about how the Justice believes the states should have the power to decide this issue and not the court. Joy turned to Elisabeth and asked something to the effect that if Thomas thinks abortion is a sin, what's the point in having the states weigh in? As a strong supporter of Roe vs. Wade, I listened carefully to Thomas on 60 Minutes. He never said abortion is a sin. He is extremely conservative in his interpretation of the Constitution and therefore believes that abortion is not a right given in the Constitution. Instead, he insists that the state's should have the power to decide this issue because the people of each state would then have the right to vote on the matter. Once again, I don't agree with this but I, at least, HEARD what the man had to say.

It's unfortunate that Elisabeth who is supposedly the "conservative voice" never has anything useful or informative to offer in these conversations. Joy is much more articulate and passionate and therefore dominates the table with often one-sided thoughts. Sherri, while a seemingly very hard-working nice person, is useless in any debates as it has become clear in the first few weeks that she is not the brightest blub on the marquee.

So what's my advice the women of The View didn't ask for...

Ladies, if the audience is going to take the time to listen to you talk and rant on a daily basis, is it really too much to ask for you to start truly listening to what others have to say?

I DON'T WANT MY MTV

DEAR MTV,

It's happened. I'm offically outgrowing you. I felt it coming on. I could only take my "Super Sweet Sixteen" in small doses and then it simply became too much. The whining and idiotic opining of overweight midwest rich girls planning their party entrances with the same intensity as General Petraues preparing for the surge somehow lost its zing. I found myself flipping the channel. The Real World started to feel like one big, season-long rerun and I actually missed Carson Daly on TRL. Whereas once I was the viewer, devouring all the force-fed impressionable mind candy you had to offer, I am now on a serious MTV diet. The last dish served came at the annual VMAs. And yes it has to do with Britney, ya'll, but it's not about her lackluster, lazy, hazy, how-could-you-let-that-happen performance. At this point (a parent in my thirties), I expect to be offended and put off by the overly-sexed up performances more about hair extensions and shock value than music. I am actually outraged by the two minutes following Brit's performance.

Enter Sarah Silverman. Sometimes I find her funny. Most times I don't. Last night, I found her mean. I am all up for celebrity joshing. But I am not up for cracks at that expense of Hollywood children unless they're begging for it (see Rumor Willis, Brody Jenner). After you, MTV, use Britney to hype your in-need-of-ratings awards show, you allow Silverman to go on not a minute after Spears' public display of affliction and comment that her children are the most adorable mistakes you will ever see." It was exactly in this moment that it was over. Our relationship. I had to change the channel.

Guess I'll have to catch that much-talked-about Chris Brown performance on You Tube!

I MISS THE WIGGLES!

If you are not a parent, you can simply skip this entry because you will thankfully have no idea what I'm talking about. But if you are familiar with the toddler set and their tunes, keep reading...

Okay so my son, Gabriel, is digging on the Doodlebops these days. No accounting for taste. Dee Dee (the spastic gal in the piano skirt and scary pink Sandra Dee wig), Rooney (the unitard wearing he's-got-to-be-gay guy) and Moe (the Ronald McDonaldesque drummer) make up this rock group for the toddler set. Wide-eyed and overly cheery, they perform such memorable hits as "Cauliflower" and "Count to Ten." The Canadian trio have a show on the Playhouse Disney channel and are currently touring the country. It's the latter that brings me to my latest unsolicited advice.

Dear Doodlebops,

GET NEW MANAGEMENT. I LIKE YOU THREE. I CAN TELL YOU ARE HARD-WORKERS AND ARE REALLY TRYING. SO I'M BEGGING YOU, GET NEW MANAGEMENT!

I recently caught your gig in Los Angeles. Yes, I said, Los Angeles. Not Ingelwood as you continuously referenced in your obligatory greetings to the audience. Despite the fact that you were performing at the Forum (more on that choice of venue later) in Ingelwood, California, the crowd was not from them there parts. As a native Angeleno, I've had my share of Forum concert experiences (mind you, the last one being in 1990). From Steven Tyler to Bryan Adams to Don Henley, never once have I been welcomed to Ingelwood. If only you Canucks had someone to help you out. A publicist? A manager? A director? That's the problem. I'm not sure anyone besides Bus Driver Bob (Was he even the real Bob?) came with you on this tour. You certainly didn't budget for a set decorator. I felt for you guys as you jumped on and off the cardboard bus huffing and puffing. And about that...what was with all the breaks? Didn't anyone remind you that three-year-olds have the attention span of, well, three-year-olds? Intermission is not an easily explained concept. I know you were sweaty and tired but those four Australian guys wiggle all over their stage for an hour and a half with no break. So I went there. I couldn't help myself. I never thought I'd say this but you've got to take some cues from The Wiggles. Even with a man down (we miss you, Greg), those guys (in their forties, by the way) can put on a pro show. When they ride out on stage each year at the Universal Ampitheatre in the big red car, it's exciting. They bring it. I was up on my feet dancing in the aisles. I admit it. Those guys can work it. I know they have a bigger budget and a better venue (note to booking agent - the Forum is so over, it's the day before yesterday), but there's more to their success. Watching you three strut your stuff on that pathetic stage, I realized why the Doodlebops have nothing on the Wiggles. Those Aussie guys get the joke. They are in on it. With every crazy "quack, quack, quack, quack, cock-a-doodle-do" dance move they do, it's as if they are simultaneously winking at us parents. They are laughing at us for buying into this crap, laughing all the way to the bank. They're saying, can you believe how lucky we are? Don't you wish you thought up a song called "Hot Potato" and the chutzpah to make it a hit? But, Doodlebops, you don't seem to be in on the same joke. You come across as serious thespians imagining you are doing serious work. But we can't take you serious in those costumes? Singing the Woobly Whoopsie? And we really can't take you seriously when you announce that you've had so much fun hanging out "with your friends in Ingelwood." Doodlebops, I've watched the Wiggles. I've seen them in concert. You, are no Wiggles. There's still time. GET NEW MANAGEMENT!

JOHN MAYER AS A PLAYER? SAY IT AIN'T SO

February 21, 2007

Dear John,

When you first came on the scene you told us that you wanted to run through the halls of your high school and scream at the top of your lungs. To us that meant that you were like all of us. High school was kind of awkward and lame and you were misunderstood there. The more we got to know you, we fell in love with you as the soulful, artsy guy who probably went unnoticed to the popular girls with untrained eyes. You were that guy who played guitar but didn't talk much. At least that's what we thought. But then came Jennifer Love Hewitt. Now I have nothing against her but for you, she just didn't seem right. Her body is definitely a "Wonderland" but she's so not the art girl. She's the rally girl, JM. And now, Jessica? I see what's going on. It's been years since high school and the popular girls, the Jessicas, can finally see that you are way hotter than any has been jock. You are enjoying the admiration and affection you should have had all those years back. Your buddies must be high-fiving like crazy over this match up. But John...we want you with a thinking man's girl. At least a girl who knows that Buffalo wings don't come from a Buffalo. Natalie Portman comes to mind. Scarlett Johansson would do. I hear Drew Barrymore's available. I know I don't really have the right to tell you who to date but since this is my blog, I'm doing it anyway. So here's one more piece of unsolicted advice, get out before Joe Simpson has you wearing a red cashmere sweater, singing Christmas Carols with Jessica for an ABC Holiday special. I know you think, "Not gonna happen." But the guy gets what he wants. So go ahead and you keep waiting for the world to change. But me, I'm waiting on you.

Amanda

P.S. Continuum is amazing.

P.P.S. I would have dug you in high school!

No Longer IDOLizing Chris Daughtry

February 21, 2007

Dear Chris,

I cheered you on. I voted for you countless times. I sat in shock the night you prematurely exited Idol. And, yes, I even bought your album and liked it. But after reading Michael Endelman's article on you in the February 23rd issue of Entertainment Weekly, I have decided that you, Chris, need some serious unsolicited advice.

What's up, dog? You are living out millions of guys' fantasies. You were a suburban dad who is now a true rock star with critical and mass appeal. The girls are digging you. The guys think your cool. Your making cash doing what you love and the critics said your album was solid. So what's with the whining? You tell EW that you don't like being introduced as Chris from American Idol. Would you rather be Chris from the McLeansville Honda dealership? Let's not forget that without Idol, you were stuck in North Carolina despite your undisputed talent and rocker look. You say, "There's this misconception that you get famous and everything is perfect. "If anything, it's harder." Come on, man! I mean I get that you have been thrown into a whirlwind situation which comes with stress, pressure and I'm sure strain on marriage and family but your fans don't want to hear that your life is harder now that they've annointed you to rock star status. Remember all those nights where you stared into the camera motioning for us to "call in your number." You held up your fingers with hope burning in your eyes. We listened. We did it. We, your fans, wanted to make your dreams come true. Some of us even wanted to live vicariously through you so, please, stop the complaining. Talk to your wife when you want to vent. Tell her that "it's frustrating" dealing with being an American Idol. Confide in her that you are happy you didn't win because then you would be "considered pop." But publicly, suck it up, Chris. Smile. If you can't enjoy the ride, let us.

Sincerely,

Amanda

P.S. You don't need multiple silver rings. One is enough!