Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Nick, Can I Steal You For a Second?

Okay, so I had the privilege of representing Bachelor Nation at last night's live Bachelor season finale and After the Final Rose. I say privilege because we were constantly reminded by the crew that it was, indeed, a privilege to be sitting in that hot, muggy Sylmar studio at the most coveted viewing party in America. Maybe? But after three hours of waiting, corralled like pigs in a pen, with no phones, few bathrooms and Costco sandwiches, I was feeling more like a hostage than a VIP. No matter, though, because once we were led into the main studio, the roses, candles and promise of Chris Harrison, had me and all the other jewel-tone clad ladies (no black or white allowed per a detailed email) back at attention. Chris Harrison did not disappoint. He was just as kind, funny and affable as you want him to be, making conversation and hanging out throughout the entire broadcast. But as you all now know, the "winner" and her fiance did disappoint DRAMATICALLY. Vanessa and Nick, together at last, fell flat--like flat tire on the side of a dark road--flat. When the not so dynamic duo took the stage, the party atmosphere turned super serious. It felt like a first therapy session for a couple that should have called it quits before sitting down together on the couch. We heard over and over again how difficult it has been these first three months as a couple. Now, I get that having to keep your "love" on the down low while the world around you is commenting about your man canoodling with Corrine (and her platinum vagine) and getting down and dirty, er muddy, with Raven has got to be all kinds of weird. But, I'm still going to call bullshit on the incredible stress and roughness of this time. You are supposedly in the truly, madly, deeply beginning phase of your love. You are being swept away to "safe houses" where you get to stay free of charge, cut off from the world with only each other's company as your entertainment. Spoiler Alert: It's only downhill from here. This brings me to advice that Nick did not ask for but needs to hear. If only he could stop mumbling and listen up.

Nick, can I still you for a second?

In your case, father does know best. He tried to tell you but you missed his message. You told your dad that you have a type. You said you like strong, smart, intense women and he immediately fired back that "your type" hasn't worked out for you. Your very adorable, wise father was urging you to pick another flavor. And he is right. You live your life in your head, overthinking and overanalyzing. This is what you know. Ask any psychologist and they'll tell you, we all go for what we know. But what we know is not always what we need. I get that you like the way Vanessa questioned everything and searched for deep meaning. She challenged you. But take it from a too-long married mom, you don't want to be challenged every day. That's what kids are for. But let's not get ahead of ourselves. The point, Nick, is that you both can't be that needy.

I'm not saying you should have picked Raven, but, well, you should pick someone like Raven. She brings light to your darkness. I think you think she's too simple. You're a thinker so you believe that you need to be with someone who understands what it's like to be in your head. Wrong. Get over your overanalyzing and find a partner that brings the fun, reminds you to live in the moment and isn't covered in anxiety. With Raven, we saw a silly, playful Nick. I'm pretty sure I never need to see you dance on skates again, but I did love how carefree you looked doing it.

You are about to tick away a few more minutes of your reality fame on Dancing With The Stars. I just keep picturing Vanessa obsessing over the show, the rehearsal schedule, the publicity and those hot dancers. Let me guess, you have to FaceTime her from every rehearsal and make sure she and Peta stay in their own lanes. I'm exhausted thinking about it. And, then, there's Raven who you just know would slip right into the front row with a supportive, sexy smile shouting, "You got this, Baby."

It goes without saying that your journey to find love on TV is done. Bachelor Nation bids you well but definitely bids you GOODBYE. If you make it work with Vanessa, I'll be pleasantly surprised. But, when it doesn't, please heed these words of advice that you did not ask for. Nick, don't complicate things by going for the complicated ones. It's just like the girls who go for the dark, misunderstood boys. It's all hot and bothered at first but then, well, it's just complicated.


Someone else who spends way too much time in her own head.

P.S. To the brilliant producers of last night's show who clearly foresaw the rainy cloud hanging over Nick and Vanessa and quickly made us forget about this downer of a season with the effervescent and luminous new Bachelorette Rachel: Well done. As Rachel's journey began, we barely remembered we wasted hours of our lives on Nick's fourth go-round.

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